just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
