I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
