made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
