Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
