Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
