if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
