she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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