everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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