Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
