Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
