Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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