The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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