The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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