I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
