Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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