That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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