I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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