my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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