i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
