You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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