The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
