This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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