i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize