How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
