what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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