I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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