It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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