I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize