New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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