I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
