Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
