My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
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