Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
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