So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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