I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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