Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I got inside last night via doggy door
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
