and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
