...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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