Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
