I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
