Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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