now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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