Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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