If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
