I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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