Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
