she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
