sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
