Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize