break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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