The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
