I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
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