If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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