Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
