if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
