i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize