Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
