Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
