Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
