I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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