Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
