WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
