the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
