Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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