Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
