this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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