I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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