He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He passed out mid-signature
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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