there's paper in my vomit.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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