our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
