Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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