I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
