Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
