i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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